So if you read my last post I learned I needed to love myself and stop looking for others to love me in replace of that.
Since then, when I start to say something mean to myself I stop and realize what I’m doing and kick the Gollum aside and let the nice Smeagle side of me say something more encouraging.
Although going to the ARP Meetings has been helping, I finally decided to get extra help with being prescribed Depression Medication. I don’t know why it was so hard to finally allow myself to get help in that way. I may believe too much in alternative medicine that I may discredit modern day medicine more than I should. (Growing up in a Hippie town will do that to ya 🙂 )
My Doctor was very kind and understanding and left the decision up to me. She told me I had very good insights and she was impressed about how self aware I was so she wanted me to choose what I wanted to do. In the end I basically realized I had nothing to lose and the only thing that was holding me back was probably Social Stigmas but mostly it was feeling like I was relying on a pill for happiness which I know in the end won’t make me happy but I also know that it can help me.
I’ve struggled with depression consistently since I was in the 7th grade. I thought if I’ve dealt with it so long, why take medicine now? But if anything, now is so crucial because I have a family of my own that depends on me and I need to be better not only for me, but for them. I need to love myself for me and for them.
She said it takes about a month for me to start feeling the changes. I honestly hope it happens sooner because this week has been so dark and dreery and lonely and miserable and the worst part is, my life is not darka nd dreery and lonely and miserable! That’s why depression sucks my friends. I am so ready for it to be done. But I keep telling myself to be patient with myself and allow myself to just accept that this time will be hard, but I need to be kind to myself and understand I am not well. I need to be as loving as my true friends are to me.
So that’s all I have to say really. I dont’ want to sound so dang sad and pathetic but I want to be real. I’m having a hard time. I know others are too. And I’m grateful for my husband, my son, my good friends and God. I’m also grateful I’m on my side too now, or at least I’m trying to be!