I REALLY didn’t want to talk about this directly. I’ve tried to keep my distance and only “like” posts and share a few links but I can’t be silent anymore. I have fought the promptings to write about this so many times because A) I hate talking about this and B) I’m worried I will come off as too..I don’t even know the word..too intense. (That’s the best I can come up with) But I’m also a believer in helping others and that sometimes we experience things so that others can learn from our experiences. Others can’t learn from them if we don’t talk about it.
I hope what I say makes sense and comes across the way I want it to because this is hard for me to talk about but it has to be done.
I’ll be blunt and not mince words, I was sexual abused and violated multiple times throughout my life. (Not anymore) I didn’t realize it at the time and was a typical abuse victim who blamed herself and was manipulated into actually thinking it was what I wanted. (Read more about my experience here) Yes it can happen. People who don’t understand can’t wrap their mind about an abuse victim’s mentality sometimes..I get that. It sounds crazy. They say things like, “Why didn’t you run away?” Or, “You must have wanted it if you stayed with him.” Or “You could have broken off the relationship no one was forcing you to stay..” Things like that..I totally get it. But when you are so far gone you don’t think clear thoughts like that and you don’t even realize fully what is happening to you. For me it took years to time internalize and understand what happened to me.
So ok what is my point with this? Well I was reading an article where they were talking about what the actors in 50 Shades had said about filming it. Both seemed pretty shaken up by it and if I may put words in their mouth, hated it. As I was reading I thought, how awful, I didn’t realize that the movie would take such a toll on them and then what Dakota Johnson said hit me like a pound of bricks. She simply says, “It was emotionally taxing. At first I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is the worst thing ever,’ and then I was like, ‘All right, let’s get on with it.’
“All right, let’s get on with it.”
This is where I think others will think I’m going overboard or over-reacting but that’s why I had to be honest and tell you upfront I was an abuse victim and that is EXACTLY the mentality I had going through it.
At first I was horrified and disgusted but I convinced myself I wanted to feel loved and I thought if I just sucked it up and did whatever he wanted that he would be pleased and therefore love me and say nice things to me. So I thought, all right I’ll just do whatever and block it out.
My point is..if this movie is causing the actors to do this, what will it do to people who watch it? Loads of people read it and openly applaud it (at least the book) and talk about it light heartedly. It scares me because then it causes a sense of this is normal, this is cool, this is sexy and fun and couples and young boys and girls try it out. (Or any age) At first they may be uncomfortable, even scared, but they just think all right, let’s get on with it because of.. wanting to be accepted, wanting to feel loved, wanting to be part of what everyone else is doing.
It may sound ridiculous but to me it’s not because it happened to me. This can happen.
I don’t consider myself a girl that will just do whatever everyone else is doing. I try to think I have a strong head on my shoulders and think for myself and so if I can be put into situations like that that I don’t get myself out of..what will happen to other kids or even adults?
Abuse can affect every part of your life. It affects your self esteem, your self worth and you begin to lose yourself in the process.. your identity. Sure in 50 Shades she willingly goes into this abusive relationship. So did I, that doesn’t mean I wanted it. I didn’t go in kicking and screaming, it was slow and it was undetectable until it was too late.
I don’t know how to simply put it and convey exactly what I am trying to say.. I am not the best with expressing myself but I am trying.
It’s like gang mentality. If you think everyone else is going along with it you, you may too go along with it, even if everyone is thinking in their heads..this is not ok.
Our society needs to recognize damaging and dangerous movies such as this as not normal. If we keep our mouths closed and think that it’s not a big deal then I’m afraid it will only get worse.
I keep thinking of the scripture that says: “ For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray.”
If we are being told not to say anything..who is that coming from? It reminds me of how angry Christ was when those people were selling things outside the temple and he went and cast them out and flipped their tables upside down. Do you think Christ stood aside when he disagreed with something? Do you think he kept his mouth shut when he saw evil things being done?
A great apostle once said, “Defend your beliefs with courtesy and compassion, but defend them.”
You may disagree with me and think I’m being a little crazy but I see things in black and white and this is black in my eyes.
It may be inevitable that it gets worse but at least there will be people out there seeing others say “no I don’t do that” and “no that is not going to make you happy.” So that maybe when a 16 year old girl who is feeling pressure to do things with her boyfriend that they saw on the movie can think well maybe this isn’t going to make me happy..maybe those people are right.. maybe I don’t have to do this to be in a relationship and feel loved.
We need to sound the alarm THIS IS NOT OK. We can make a difference.
Edmund Burke put it perfectly: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
For those who are struggling in an abusive relationship..know that there is always hope in recovering. Read more about it: here.