Why Baked Potatoes are really the Worst


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It’s time to write about something that is obviously of utmost importance. Baked Potatoes. Baked potatoes are ruining my life and countless meals I have had to endure through. Let’s be honest. Eating a baked potato is like eating paper. There’s no flavor, the texture is obviously more redeeming then paper but is not exciting either. Baked potatoes alone are bland and awful so my husband said, “That’s why you put all that stuff on it.” Oh ok so let’s take a piece of paper and put chili and sour cream and cheese on it and I say we get the same results..awfulness. I’m serious people. It’s time to wake up! We can’t keep eating baked potatoes and taking a bite and say: “My what a lovely baked potato!” False. There is no such thing.

I’ve tried a bajillion of them. At some Mormon functions they’re like: “Food will be provided.” And I think, sweet so the worst thing I’ll have to deal with is some nasty jello dessert with carrots. Then I show up and it’s a baked potato bar. What a cop out. It’s like well we didn’t really want to try that hard so we just brought cheese and sour cream and called it a day. Do you have no love for food? Do you have no desire to actually enjoy life? Because if you’re eating baked potatoes I can scarcely believe your taste buds are something of quality.

My mother made baked potatoes while I was growing up and I mean can you really make a baked potato? No you just put it in the oven and pull them out once they are what not as hard and revolting? So she heated potatoes in the oven and fed them to us like we had no money but we could afford some butter in it and mash it up and add some seasoning and have the decency to have some mashed potatoes. No offense mom. Every time she made them I’d whine cuz I’m a brat and she’d say, “You don’t like baked potatoes?” No mother, I do not. And neither should you  if you were honest with yourself.

Can you imagine Gordon Ramsey coming into a restaurant and having a baked potato? Of course not. I am no Gordon Ramsey of food but I will not voluntarily make such a bland pointless meal for my family. There’s no substance! After you get done with a baked potato you aren’t full. You get a little energy from the starch but it’s not satisfying and that’s why a lot of people will eat it with a steak which I’m like..I would rather have broccoli as my side.

So what’s my point? I say we all change our lazy cooking ways and make potatoes that are actually tasty. Every other potato on earth is better than a baked potato. I’m serious. Every other way to cook it. Fry them, cut up and season them in olive oil, mash them, whatever! They are all superior to the dread of a baked potato. The one time in my life I had someone cook for me that made a mashed potato bar changed my life. What a beautiful genius idea. Mashed potatoes can be one of the best things on the planet. I’m not simply saying you boil potatoes and mash them..please that is what you do once a baked potato is done. No you have to care for it. Add the right ingredients, get the right texture and add seasoning for goodness sake! Then you have a delicious masterpiece. Mashed potatoes and all their creamy glory..it’s only a few more steps and so worth it, I promise.

So now you know how I feel about baked potatoes. And if you offer me one I will most likely kindly decline unless it is the main course then I will eat it and in my head think all these thoughts all over again and wonder why we don’t just have a chili bar if you’re that lazy. Like I said, I’m a brat. I love my food done right. So judge me but I say down with baked potatoes.

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