So I haven’t been on a date with someone that wasn’t my husband in 4 years. I am a lil rusty. Josh and I don’t talk about our exes and pretend that we only dated each other but in reality we both had to go through some rough people to find each other. (If you know about Josh’s exes don’t tell me I don’t wanna know!!) Dating stinks some times. It can be pretty frustrating and you will have plenty of times when you feel dumb or confused. I am going to try to simplify it for you today as best I can be an ol married lady.
I am a girl so I understand the girl perspective more.. obviously. Oh and take my advice with a grain of salt. This is just to help you see a different perspective. You may totally disagree with me and that’s fine! But this worked well for me and I think it is always helpful to try new things when you are sinking in the dating world.
Dating for every person may be different. But generally I think there are some basic rules that I used that helped me. I made plenty of dating mistakes.. I am no expert. But once you get married the fog clears and you see dating in a new light and it’s so simple:
He loves you or he loves you not. The end.
Rule 1: Don’t sit around and wait for Mr. Right
This one always kind of made me confused. I know that this culture has a long time tradition of guys asking girls out..that some girls will literally just wait around and wait to be asked out. As if the guy who likes you will just be going door to door like a salesman and you answer and he sees you and suddenly realizes you are the one and sweeps you off your feet. Not gonna happen. Ever. So stop waiting for him to ask you out. Go put yourself out there! Be brave and bold even. (Keep reading to see what to do next..)
Rule 2: Put yourself in the Guy’s Shoes
It’s hard to ask girls out! They can be misleading and lead you on for fun and be rude when they say no. Girls are pretty confusing, I know because I am one and I don’t even get myself. So take it easy on them. Not all guys will see you and be like oh she’s interested I should ask her out. It takes a lot of guts! Especially if you say no or if tons of girls have said no in the past it can get tiring. Or maybe they don’t have a ton of self esteem and don’t realize how cute they are! But if you do like them help them out..
Rule 3: Show Them You like Them
Don’t hide it! This is where you can’t have a lot of shame in the dating world. It’s annoying to me to see girls just flirt with every boy that has more then 3 teeth so try to restrain your intense flirting to those you actually like. But don’t get me wrong..I don’t even think you have to like one boy at a time. You can keep your options open if you ask me till one of them works out. Don’t be obnoxious. Tone it down to a decent level. I mean if a guy sees you flirting with every guy he may not think you are just a flirt. Ouch be careful.
My point is..if you see him don’t run and hide. Go after him. Make a point to say hi to him and ask him about his weekend if he’s doing anything fun. Look cute on the days you see him.
**You gotta try! If you look like a hot mess everyday that’s not going to do you much good either. If you expect him to have a hot bod..are you going to the gym to work on yours? If you expect him to care about his looks do you care about yours? Be fair to yourself and him. I know some girls who never go to the gym and expect their guy to have a six pack. That’s probably not gonna work out for you..
It’s fun to know you are seeing your crush that day. I remember specifically dressing up cute and them complimenting me on my attire and it was like the best thing in the world. You have got to be brave. You can’t just rely on them to somehow figure out you want them to ask you out. If you never talk to them or smile at them or laugh at their pathetic jokes.. how’s he gonna know? Help a guy out. Give him the confidence he needs to ask you out..if you’re into that kinda thing. Or you can just be like me and ask him out haha..
Rule 4: Break the Rules
I am no feminist. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking a guy out! When I was in college I had a roommate complain that she never got asked out. I literally have been asked out on a date probably three times. You know where someone says, “Will you go on a date with me?” But I went on dates. And blind dates..shoot me now.I didn’t grow up in Utah and Idaho where a guy put balloons in your car asking me to a dance. I didn’t grow up in a place where you went on a date one night with a guy and a different guy the next. That would have gotten you called the s word..slut. So I had to twist and bend the rules to my own liking! On the few formal dates I went on..I hated. A guy asks you out, picks you up for a double date or just the two of you.. You have an interview while playing putt putt or bowling, takes you to get food and you go home. I don’t like interview dates! (And boys that do like interview dates and I don’t click) Call me modern but I think they are so boring. (But if that’s your thing..keep on truckin girl!)
Dating can be really fun! That’s where rule #5 comes in..
Rule 5: Ask Guys Out.. sort of
I would strategically plan a group activity or hear about one and ask my crush what him and his friends were doing that weekend and invite them! It’s the easiest way to get them to obviously see you like them and it not be like hey ask me out you fool and still not be crazy forward of you if you are misses 50’s. (I have nothing against the 50’s I loved that era) Another way is if you have a soccer game or a choir concert or something, ask them to come support you. If you are going to a dance party tell them about it. Say hope to see you there! Example: “A bunch of us are going to this dance party tonight..wanna come?”
Note: If he does come and ya’ll have a blast, great! Now he knows you are semi interested and he can make the next move. This is where you don’t have to put yourself out there as much. The ball is now in his court. Don’t take back the ball and keep throwing it in his court. Leave it be and see what happens!
Rule 6: If it’s Not Progressing..Move on
Sometimes your gut instinct is right. If he isn’t calling your or texting you..he probably doesn’t like you. Sorry toots. If he’s not into you and doesn’t show up at the party you invited him to, you can be like, cool he doesn’t like me. That’s ok and move on sister friend. Don’t force it. The saying there are plenty of fish in the sea is real. If you waste your time with the boy that keeps dodging you when you ask him to do things then he doesn’t like you. Plain and simple.
(Please read: He’s Just Not That Into You blogpost)
If he keeps making excuses repeatedly or says ya maybe that sounds cool and doesn’t come..he’s just not that into you. He may keep you on the back burner in case something falls through and texts you weeks later..but do you really want to be that girl? Nope you want to be on the front burner cuz he is on your front burner.. but not anymore cuz you tossed him aside and moved on. This is where #3 of keeping your options open comes in handy cuz then you can be like oh well the boy in my music class is pretty fly..and not be heart broken. It’s hard not to throw your heart into every situtation that comes along but it is best in my opinion.
Rule 7: Just Because He Doesn’t Like You Doesn’t Mean There’s Something Wrong With You
This is a hard pill to swallow. When he doesn’t show up at your activity or he doesn’t ever call you or text you. Sometimes people just aren’t into us and we gotta accept it for what it is. Just that. They could think you’re cool and cute but maybe he’s just not that into you dating wise. Cool. I know how it feels to be rejected. One guy took me out on several dates and totally led me on and then flat out said one night, “I just can’t date you.” haha I cried. But it’s cool cuz he wasn’t really my type either and I moved on. I just liked the attention he was giving me.
You just gotta find that guy for you. In all reality, not every girl is every guys type and vise versa! I know a girl who is fabulous and gorgeous and she got declined by a guy not even super hot in my opinion. I thought dang if this girl doesn’t get a yes from everyone I don’t have to feel so bad. So don’t. It happens. It’s not the end of the world. But it will be if you dwell on it and just tear yourself apart trying to figure it out. Believe me, sometimes you will never know, so move on.
Have a pity party if you must..but then sleep on it and feel better in the morning, go to the gym, shower, dress super cute..and off you go on your next dating adventure!
Rule 8: Don’t Over text/ Call/Facebook message..etc.
Yikes this will put you in the weirdo zone fast..so beware!!! This is where you need to read my other blog: He’s Just Not that into You. If he’s not calling or texting you first after a date..take the hint!! If he’s not he could not be that into you or he’s just trying to be a typical player and make you wait. He also may be putting you on the back burner as a booty call..ew. You want a satisfying chick flick kinda romance. So if he’s not dying to talk to you..don’t be dying to talk to him. Don’t make excuses for him. No he didn’t drop his phone in anything, no he didn’t forget, no he didn’t do whatever. Don’t make excuses for him! You contacting him like crazy isn’t going to make him want you more or faster. It will make him go ohh wow she’s obsessed with me and put you in the crazy lady category. You don’t want to be in that category. So this is where I go all 50’s on you and say..let him try to contact you.
Boys love a good chase and they love it when they are into a girl! If you made the first move great..then let it be. If you gave him your number then that’s it. He’ll call you or he won’t. They will show you they like you. It won’t be hard to figure out. If it is refer to what I said earlier he’s: 1) not into you, or 2) a player.
Rule 9: Do you Even Know your Type?
The answer is probably not! Yes I know this is not a rule but it still applies. If you look at my track record you will see I dated mr. tall dark and handsome d-bag 90% of the time. I was drawn to the hott guy who was a jerk who let’s be honest..didn’t treat me the way I wanted to be treated. You just gotta find what you like!
I also dated boys that weren’t LDS and found I liked how an LDS boy knew how I wanted to be treated and wasn’t ticked off when I wouldn’t sleep with them. (Or at least weren’t surprised) So I married an LDS boy. But I dated a ton of boys who were LDS too and were jerks so you gotta be more specific. You gotta find what you like and what you’re not into. The best way to do this is..
Rule 10: Say Yes!
My biggest problem in the dating world was that I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I wanted x type of boy so I kept going after them to find after years that I was always getting heart broken and felt used and was betrayed and left sad and lonely. Pathetic but true! I was going after mr. d bag not mr. actually my type. See, we may be attracted to this type of boy..but is he actually right for us? I have a friend who will try to date the same type of girl but she always treats him badly and he gets hurt in the end. Why don’t we learn and try something different?
There’s this book ‘The Year of Yes’ by Maria Dahvana Headley. I honestly didn’t even read the whole book but loved the idea. She had the same problem I did. She kept dating the same guy with a different face. So she decided to go outside her comfort zone, and say yes to any guy who asked her out. Any guy. She found that she liked a guy she never thought she would have, and ended up marrying a cute nerd. (Like me!) So I took this challenge as well and always said Yes to a first date. The problem was, I couldn’t say No to a second date. I was chicken. So I was typical and came up with roundabout ways to say no without ‘hurting thier feelings’. When really I should have just been honest with them and said no. But I’m not gonna tell you to do what I couldn’t even do. But it is best to be honest with people (but not brutally honest like I think you’re ugly or something).
Anyways! So by dating people that I never would have before, I found out that I wasn’t into the boy I thought I was and I was into the boy who I was friend zoning my whole life: The funny nerdy sweet boy. It’s also fun to say yes to people you never would have before. It’s fun to give people a chance and you’ll be surprised what you find!
You may think I am crazy and wrong and all those things..but maybe let it sink in and give it a try. Don’t be someone you aren’t but you need to push yourself outside your comfort zone sometimes. Be safe. Be smart. But don’t think that finding Mr. Right is gonna be easy..necessarily. You have got to put yourself out there and feel dumb and be humiliated and get your heart broken. It’s allll part of the fun! (fun?)
But really when I found my husband, I wasn’t looking for him. I wasn’t searching for him like a crazy husband driven woman. I was actually focused on other things when he basically fell into my lap. (Read more about my love story here) I didn’t realize how amazing he was until I finally put my guard down and found he was the boy I was searching for. (That story is here) I could have married other guys but they weren’t the One. I would have been happy with other boys..but now I am at peace. It is more then just being happy, it’s being with the one who will listen to you. Who will understand you, or try to. The one that even when you get bat**** crazy from you birth control..will be patient with you every day that you cry and hold you and love you and sometimes say ok that’s enough, you have got to suck it up.